Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
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Just by looking into someone鈥檚 eyes, you can tell if they have eyes
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Our system is shit. I鈥檓 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
I don鈥檛 steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
My dog after a walk in the woods.
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.馃槩
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
Sucks when good bands have dumb names.
“What are you listening to?”
“It’s Made Out of Babies, they’re really great.”
“…”
My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband鈥檚 dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me