I grew up between two pig farms. So, you had me at “farm fresh” and lost me at “air.”
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My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
is this how new cars are made??
ME: I’d give anything to talk with my dad again
(my dad’s ghost appears)
DAD: Hey son
ME: Dad!
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD:
ME:
DAD: So uh… do you wanna talk to your mother now
ME: yeah ok
DAD: good talking to you
ME: you too dad
*dad walks in on me doing homework*
“HAH NERD MORE LIKE HOMOWORK”
Dad you’re still in third grade
“Probably because I’m not a nerd like you”
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
spider: sup
me: omg stay away
spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider
me: there’s good spiders?
spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
every raccoon you see is currently on parole