I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
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I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
*lifts 10 pound weight*
Nice.
*adds “salmon” to list of animals I could protect a woman from*
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
Me *tries to open website*
Captcha: Prove you’re not a robot
Me: How
Captcha: Live an emotionally fulfilling life
Me: can’t I just click on a box
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
“I knew the dame was trouble when she waltzed into my offfice with a green diamond floating over her head.”
How do you tell someone you’re the one I want without sounding too much like John Travoltra in Grease.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
[ first day as a villain ]
him: hi, how are you
me: very evil, thank you
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.