As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
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Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
I hate when companies say “THIS IS NOT A DRILL” and then they’re like “select shirts 10% off” Ok..? Didn’t need the disclaimer. Nobody thought that this was a practice round. I didn’t read the discount and go “ok champ, get on their website. Time to practice”
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.
Finally, somewhere I can take my Croissant Bernard.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage
me: did i break my legs?
doctor: it was only 5 feet
me: and they’re ALL broken?!
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
Beware of the dog..
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin