Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
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I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
[yelling over club noise] I said I want to tell you about my cult
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab