podcaster 40 mins into an ep: okay, so let’s just dive right in
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The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
*taking training wheels off my old bike*
Mom: You’re not ready for this.
Me: I’m 37, Mom. I’ve got this.
*starts pedaling; hits a tree*
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.