Am I having a stroke?
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There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
Customize Your Wedding.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
“My favorite New Year’s resolution was to stop trying to reason with unreasonable people. This has reduced both my correspondence and my blood pressure.”
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.