Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
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DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
[restaurant]
ME: *reading menu* how’s the chicken parm?
OUR WAITER, TONY THE TIGER: it’s grr-
MANAGER: *glares at Tony*
TONY: it’s exquisite
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
Huh?
“Cut your throat.”
What?
“Drink your blood.”
Um.
“Have your baby.”
Uh.
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”