When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
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HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
co-worker: kinda weird how batman takes a kid out at night to punch felons
bruce wayne: [across the room] i dunno kinda sounds like you guys are just making it weird
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
Why is there a show called “When Animals Attack”? It should be called “When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals.”
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
Breaking news:
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on