[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
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How come when our phones fall, we panic, but when our friends fall, we laugh.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
Priest: may God rest his soul
*casket begins to lower*
*I start clapping*
*everyone looks at me*
Me: sorry was that not the end of it
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
I wanna hold your ham or however that song goes
RT if you could go either way.
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
I often walk through a little park where people walk their dogs. Yesterday I saw somebody walking their tortoise. The funny thing is LA dogs are so small I’m pretty sure that reptile could win in a fight.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
Encore…