[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
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“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
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In love:
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Uncertain:
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Just married:
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Pregnant:
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Dead:
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Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.
Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
[first day as doctor]
ME: *holding patient’s hand* I have some bad news
PATIENT: what is it
ME: I amputated the wrong hand
I’m looking at old yearbooks and for the first time I’m questioning whether my classmates really meant “You’re crazy” as a compliment.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
[hitchhiking]
Driver: I hope you’re not a serial killer, haha
Me *getting in*: well, I wouldn’t say ’serial‘
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.