In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
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Amish sext: I’m wearing that drab, full length nightgown that you bought for me at Ezekiel’s Secret.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
serious question: when someone’s telling you a sad story and crying how long should I wait before take a bite of my corn dog?
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood