5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
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Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Me, dating.
Him: Hi Wendy. I’m really excited to find out all about you.
Me: Why? Who have you been talking to?
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Got McDonald’s today and when I was handed my soda the cup inexplicably cracked and spilled all over me so sometimes I really wonder if my ancestors offended a witch.
I spent my time preparing a home cooked dinner and placed it in front of the kids who asked for something different, and laughed. Then I laughed. Then we laughed. Then I spoke in a voice not of this world & everyone ate their damn dinner.
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
Him: The will states that all of the deceased’s debts are bequeathed to the ‘ugly’ son. Who is that?
Me: I’m an only child.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.