interviewer: are you a good listener
TV captioner: yes
interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately
TV captioner: oh yeah
interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you
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One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
There we are, nodding away when my kid’s swim instructor gives her exercises to work on at home, like the big ol’ liars we are.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
my friends when i can’t do basic math
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
Son: Mom, can I sleep with you? I’m scared.
Me: No, I can’t risk the monster following you into my room and killing me.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
GUY (hanging off the side of a cliff): I can’t hold on much longer!
ME (holding two ice cream cones): i really wish i could be more help