Oh the world we live in…
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Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Sometimes I forget that people can see me tiptoe away mid-conversation.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Me: your dress is too revealing
Wife: wear your own clothes then
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 💪
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.