What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
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I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
the CDC reading all the CDC tweets tomorrow
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
But I really needed water water water
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.