Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
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a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.
Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
People are lot less judgey when you say you ate an ‘avocado salad’ instead of a bowl of guacamole
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking