A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
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My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
“where’s waldo?” is a fun book that teaches children how to properly stalk a nice man who has done nothing do deserve any of this. an indispensable resource for every young creep
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
i want the dreams to chase me for once
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting