dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
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The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
I know karate and tons of other words.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day