*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
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When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”
The pizza guy just said “see u tomorrow”
Maybe I eat too much pizza …
TINDER DATE: When you said you looked exactly like you do in your profile pic, you weren’t lying.
ME: *kneeling outside the movie theatre, holding a fish* Nice to meet you, Rebecca.
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
real