Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
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[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
I howl at the moon for fun and absolutely shit myself as the moon howls back, inciting several other moons in the solar system to also howl at me
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
“I miss my label mates.”
“You’re a recording artist?”
“We collect beer labels let me show you my albums.”
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday