Never commit a crime after eating Cheetos
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If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
i meant to share this earlier
consequences, the bane of my existence
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
Posted a photo of my clean house on Facebook and it was flagged as fake news.
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know