Hope you enjoy my new song, “Part of This Song’s Title Is in Parentheses (For No Reason).”
You Might Also Like
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
I like to shout, “ohh it burns!” while using a public restroom.
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.