I like being married but not every day.
😆😜😆😜
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こいつ天才
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
Maybe the refrigerator doesn’t see anything it wants in you either.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
6yo Me: I can’t do this.
Teacher: You need to take can’t out of your vocabulary.
6yo Me: I cannot do this.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g