I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
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Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
I’m sorry I said the Nazis were also a party when you invited me to celebrate your kid’s first birthday.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon