there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
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A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
the human says there are two options. inside or outside. but if they would simply. elevate their mindset. they would uncover a third option: stand in the doorway. and sniff the air
Lol #dogsoftwitter
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
mom, did you know there are more kids than teachers at my school?
-my 7 year old making the best of her public education
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
People say I have a dry sense of humor. So when you hate everyone the word to describe that is dry now I guess.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER