someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
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Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
A huge thanks to the person that did this
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
Hey, girl. I noticed you checking out my Hello Kitty socks. Just so you know…the boxers match.
*winks*
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
I have an irrational fear that I’m accidentally making up words. I don’t want to be misunderstandable.
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
even if u realy hate sombody, u shoud never insult their physical apearance!!! bc as soon as u dig deeper u will find much stronger insults
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.