Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
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interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
So we got a goldfish…
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
Let’s get married and have kids, so we can have mini versions of ourselves do that annoying thing that our spouse does but louder.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
[pet store]
COP: someone’s been stealing puppies
OWNER: OMG now I’m missing another one
ME: who would do such a thing *shirt starts barking*
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.