Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
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OMG, he’s almost here.
How’s my hair?
My clothes?
How do I look?(knock, knock)
He’s here!!!!
I’m so excited!*My pizza delivery guy.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
I’m not telling you how to raise your kids, Phil. I’m just saying..fire is dangerous and babies can’t juggle.
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: Answering stupid questions.
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security