Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
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Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
One night in college, my roommate got super drunk pretty quickly and ended up getting sick. We handed her a trashcan, with trash already in it. She puked a few times and started crying, and then looked in the can and yelled, OMG I THREW UP A FORK?!
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
Husband: *opens the bathroom door and walks out*
Me: *texts him from Target* Turn off the lights and wash your hands!
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
one time i accidentally spilled some tabasco sauce on my grandma’s ouija board & the next thing i knew my pontiac fiero was on fire
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other