One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
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I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
Jeez, you do a Satanic voice into a baby monitor one time and your neighbors never invite you over again.
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
‘Keanu Can Canoe, Can You?’ – instructional video in which actor Keanu Reeves teaches people how to use a canoe.
Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
Damn Girl, are you a violin solo in a Dave Matthews song? Cuz you go on forever.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
Tired of your teens stealing your hoodies?
Just get them embroidered with
“MY MOM IS THE FLEEKEST OF COOL”
Problem solved.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
DATING COACH: So you tried flirting?
ME: Sure, I gave her ‘the look’
DATING COACH: Show me
*I bite my lip seductively*
DATING COACH: Have you considered biting the bottom lip?
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.