Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
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[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
A 2yo thought he was sabotaging my pb&j by inserting pretzels in the middle but HA! It’s actually quite tasty.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
4yo: mom the whistle makes my brain hurt
me: same
4yo: *blows whistle again*
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
How did that guy know he went through the desert on a horse with no name? Did he try asking the horse? Was he aware that it was probably his job to assign a name if there was not already one in place? A lot of things don’t add up here.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
so i’m at the stock market right
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.