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My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…