[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
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You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
if I would’ve known that you were going to ask me what I was thinking I wouldn’t have been thinking what I was thinking.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
Date: Don’t tell anyone we met online. It’s embarrassing.
[Later]
Friend: Where’d you guys meet?
Me: Family reunion
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
Do you want contact-free delivery?
□ Yes
▣ No
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.