Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
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Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
“You’re driving us apart!” —Crazy woman you met on eHarmony who’s hanging onto your windshield wipers as you turn the corner
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT
me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting Taco Bell’s hot sauce packets
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.