I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.
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There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
“Yellow leaves are a sign of not enough water.” Oh! Gary watered the plant. “Yellow leaves are also a sign of too much water.” Oh, ffs.
My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.
Winters, when your handwriting turns out the same no matter which hand you use.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
The Mrs: Why haven’t you done laundry?
Me: I’m recycling the clothes
The Mrs: You already used that line
Me: I’m also recycling my excuses
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.