Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
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Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
I tried to wear skinny jeans but it squeezed all my flesh into the top half of my body and made me look like a novelty balloon.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
When I am really mad, I pronounce your name as frenchly as possible.
Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved
Producer: That sounds beautiful
Guy: The new kid is also a rat
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi