Edgar Allan Poe Because Edgar Allan Got No Job
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[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
No chill.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
They’re stuck in your pants?
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
Well, shit
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
jesus, what did this guy do
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
Suddenly had the urge to lay on the floor and do stomach crunches.
Then I found some bubble wrap and that urge went away.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time