Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
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has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
I have zero sexual interest in you
you’re not Peter Dinklage
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
What do you hear?
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
Oh we’ve met.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
But have you tried crying about it?
-Toddlers
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die