Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
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“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.