Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
You Might Also Like
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
When he asks for feet pics
FRIEND: where do you work
ME: I can’t tell you
FRIEND: really? like it’s top secret?
ME [unemployed]: correct
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
I don’t care how bad it looks in the casket I want to pay the boatman with fettuccine alfredo
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
😂😂😂
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
Planet of the Apps.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)