[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
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normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
Jingle Bell Rock implies the existence of Jingle Bell Paper and Jingle Bell Scissors.
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
[Target intercom]
“Would the parent of a 9 y/o named Jack please pick up your son at security. We’ve told u for weeks this isn’t a daycare.”
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
R.I.P.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Capitalism is far from perfect, but how would we find the beginning of a sentence without it?
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]