How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
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Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
Adopted a “failed” police dog who was given up for rehoming. Always been a brilliant addition to the family. Loving, caring, protective. Started to wonder why the cops rejected him. Then we took him to the woods where he saw a squirrel, got scared & ran head-first into a tree.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
My favourite interaction on this hellish site just happened
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
Trump wants to ban Muslims but if we learned anything from Prohibition it’s that people will just make Muslims in their bathtubs.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
In the movie Titanic it always bugged me that she stayed on the raft when clearly she had more body fat for warmth.
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.