My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
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Has science gone too far?
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
Yes, it might be the wrong word but at least it is spelled correctly
– autocorrect
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
Raisins are grape jerky.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical