wow he looks just like him
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2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
It’s amazing how kids can’t think of a thing to do all day long but you put them to bed at 11 pm & they’re busy working on a cure for cancer
I’ve discovered I own five umbrellas, if anyone wants to stage a musical number.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Me: I’ll take Glinda the Good Witch because I love shoes, Ursula the Sea Witch so she could silence annoying people for me, and Maleficent because I love to sleep.
Genie: But that’s not…eh, never mind, your witches are granted.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
12653.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something