BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
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“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
I use my oven like my grandmother uses her cell phone – sparingly and confusedly.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab