Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
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[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
Good news
[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
Nurse at the doctor’s office took my blood pressure, and I swear she was one pump away from hearing my safe word.
Ok but actually
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord