[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
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if i was a killer who escaped around halloween, i would consider hiding around a haunted carnival that was largely populated by unassuming teenagers.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
90% of being a parent is shouting, “Remember to flush the toilet.” The other 10% is flushing the toilet for everyone.
I bet birds love this building.
[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Lionel Richie: You are the sun, you are the rain
The Sun: What’s his deal?
The Rain: Weird
The Ceiling: You guys don’t even know
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)