I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
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#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
No, I can’t come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
LIAM NEESON: I will look for you, I will find you, and I will ki-
*my phone battery dies*
ME: omg
WIFE: omg
ME: Liam Neeson’s gonna kiss me
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.