Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
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Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
I met my wife through a mutual friend. Despite being together for 18 years, married for 14, in my head sometimes I still refer to her as “Alan’s friend”.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
Brother?
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*